I've had some challenging questions lately as the wait continues to lengthen. One such question was: "If you were to get pregnant, would you continue with the adoption?"
I was surprised by this one, and my knee-jerk reaction was, "Of course!" But being the analytical and hopefully open-minded, somewhat objective person I think I am, I had to allow myself to ponder this for awhile. I imagine that more than one of our friends and family members have wondered the same thing, which makes it no less puzzling for us as adoptive parents, yet all the more compelling to contemplate why one would ask this -- Chris and I did just that this evening, and I'd like to share some of our thoughts and feelings in response:
We did not begin this process as a last resort or even as a second choice. I have had two miscarriages, but doctors have assured me that as far as they know there is no medical reason I cannot get pregnant again and carry a baby to term. We knew this when we started the adoption process, and we have actually been avoiding getting pregnant (it's an adoption rule). It feels good to clarify this for anyone who may have had questions. We sometimes get remarks like, "I bet you'll get pregnant now that you're adopting - it happens all the time" -- and while we know the intentions are good, we also know that underlying the remark is the assumption that we'd rather have a biological child. This simply isn't true. WE WANT BOTH. We have wanted both for a long time, and that's our plan.
We certainly didn't know we'd be waiting as long as it looks like we will be, but is that any reason to give up on this child? The day we started our adoption journey, we began loving her - just as a mother begins loving her unborn baby when it begins growing in her belly. And we've been at this for 15 months (1.6 times the length of a pregnancy and counting), so the idea of suddenly throwing our arms up and saying "forget it" feels pretty outrageous. It doesn't matter that she probably hasn't been born yet or that she possibly hasn't even been conceived. One day she will be, and one day we will bring her home. We believe that is the course of things, and not fulfilling this dream would be a devastating loss.
I can't imagine any mother or father looking at their child and wondering whether he or she was really meant to be their child. For the majority of you there is much more within your children than biology, and you sensed this on the day they were born. Most of you believe in a spirit that came from beyond this world to join you in your family as your child. We have just as strong a belief and a feeling and a KNOWING about Noelle. We realize that can be difficult for people who aren't adopting to understand, but it's the truth and should not be minimized.
We do not know what the future holds - whether we'll be blessed with one child or ten! (Ok, ten is pretty unlikely:) We no longer know whether Noelle will actually be our first child. Recently we received an estimated referral wait time of 2-3 years (meaning 1-2 more years for us). Obviously, this was upsetting, and we've been discussing other ways of starting our family, but we are NOT rethinking the adoption. One thing we do know is that if we have only one child, it will be Noelle.
It's been a tough road, and it will continue to be. Questions can be difficult, but they give us the opportunity to reaffirm our commitment to Noelle. I've heard people say that adoption is not for the faint of heart, and we feel we get stronger every day. Chris said tonight that we don't need or want anyone to feel sorry for us. We just want support, love, positive prayers and well wishes for our family to come together soon. That will help the most in bringing our baby home!
I'd like to add one final note along these lines: Please don't be afraid to talk to us about Noelle. She has already become one of our greatest joys through our preparations for her, from creating her nursery (pictures coming soon!), to reading about and watching movies set in China, to meeting other adoptive parents, to learning about parenting, and imagining every experience we're having now with her in the future. We want to talk about her, and we also love to get responses to these blog posts, so please don't be shy.
As always, thanks for reading:)
I was surprised by this one, and my knee-jerk reaction was, "Of course!" But being the analytical and hopefully open-minded, somewhat objective person I think I am, I had to allow myself to ponder this for awhile. I imagine that more than one of our friends and family members have wondered the same thing, which makes it no less puzzling for us as adoptive parents, yet all the more compelling to contemplate why one would ask this -- Chris and I did just that this evening, and I'd like to share some of our thoughts and feelings in response:
We did not begin this process as a last resort or even as a second choice. I have had two miscarriages, but doctors have assured me that as far as they know there is no medical reason I cannot get pregnant again and carry a baby to term. We knew this when we started the adoption process, and we have actually been avoiding getting pregnant (it's an adoption rule). It feels good to clarify this for anyone who may have had questions. We sometimes get remarks like, "I bet you'll get pregnant now that you're adopting - it happens all the time" -- and while we know the intentions are good, we also know that underlying the remark is the assumption that we'd rather have a biological child. This simply isn't true. WE WANT BOTH. We have wanted both for a long time, and that's our plan.
We certainly didn't know we'd be waiting as long as it looks like we will be, but is that any reason to give up on this child? The day we started our adoption journey, we began loving her - just as a mother begins loving her unborn baby when it begins growing in her belly. And we've been at this for 15 months (1.6 times the length of a pregnancy and counting), so the idea of suddenly throwing our arms up and saying "forget it" feels pretty outrageous. It doesn't matter that she probably hasn't been born yet or that she possibly hasn't even been conceived. One day she will be, and one day we will bring her home. We believe that is the course of things, and not fulfilling this dream would be a devastating loss.
I can't imagine any mother or father looking at their child and wondering whether he or she was really meant to be their child. For the majority of you there is much more within your children than biology, and you sensed this on the day they were born. Most of you believe in a spirit that came from beyond this world to join you in your family as your child. We have just as strong a belief and a feeling and a KNOWING about Noelle. We realize that can be difficult for people who aren't adopting to understand, but it's the truth and should not be minimized.
We do not know what the future holds - whether we'll be blessed with one child or ten! (Ok, ten is pretty unlikely:) We no longer know whether Noelle will actually be our first child. Recently we received an estimated referral wait time of 2-3 years (meaning 1-2 more years for us). Obviously, this was upsetting, and we've been discussing other ways of starting our family, but we are NOT rethinking the adoption. One thing we do know is that if we have only one child, it will be Noelle.
It's been a tough road, and it will continue to be. Questions can be difficult, but they give us the opportunity to reaffirm our commitment to Noelle. I've heard people say that adoption is not for the faint of heart, and we feel we get stronger every day. Chris said tonight that we don't need or want anyone to feel sorry for us. We just want support, love, positive prayers and well wishes for our family to come together soon. That will help the most in bringing our baby home!
I'd like to add one final note along these lines: Please don't be afraid to talk to us about Noelle. She has already become one of our greatest joys through our preparations for her, from creating her nursery (pictures coming soon!), to reading about and watching movies set in China, to meeting other adoptive parents, to learning about parenting, and imagining every experience we're having now with her in the future. We want to talk about her, and we also love to get responses to these blog posts, so please don't be shy.
As always, thanks for reading:)
Comments
i've heard so many stories that range from amazing to horrific and everywhere in between while working on the parent project. it makes me happy to know without a doubt that your daughter will be (and already is!) a well-loved little girl who grows into a well-loved woman.
smooch...cheryl
You are not alone in the global village. This idea will be of some (okay minimal) comfort for you. Sometimes that makes the difference.
Warmest,
Senja.
It is such a pleasure for me to read your blog. This post is very inspiring. Noelle is one very lucky girl. She is very well loved and you will both be awesome parents. As my grandmother always said "Good things come to those who wait". Noelle is a wonderful blessing!!
Your friends,
David & Penny
Noelle is such a lucky little girl! The day she comes home will be so magical and wonderful! I am excited for you for that day to come. You are already great parents and any child would be so blessed to become part of your family. My love, prayers, and support are with you always!
Love,
Lindsay