Lately I've been wondering how long a person can wait for something she wants so desperately without risking her sanity. I was lamenting to Chris that this wait for Noelle is not normal. It's not normal to be on the verge of becoming a mother and to feel like you're a mother in your heart, yet without a child, for years on end. It can't be healthy, and there's no way one can prepare for this.
For most people it takes no more than a year to have a child -- a year to learn about becoming a parent, a year to create the nursery and stock up on baby gear, a year to save up and buy the video camera, a year to do all the "last before kids" things, a year to savor the moments of one-on-one time with your spouse, a year to dream about everything that's to come in so little time....But not for us.
Sometimes I'm OK with this. I imagine there's a bigger plan that perhaps I can't comprehend, but that I can trust. And then sometimes I feel like I'm losing faith that the thing I want most of all will ever happen.
I've tried to focus my attention on other things - working, yoga teaching, just having fun with Chris, visiting with friends and family, taking care of my dogs, planning trips, enjoying my home. But inevitably my mind always wanders back to Noelle and the other children we dream of having, whether through foster care and adoption or through birth. How can I not think about this (the most important thing in the world to us!) all the time when we've been actively pursuing parenthood for three long years?
I posted awhile back that Chris and I had been intentionally avoiding pregnancy because of adoption rules (the youngest child in the home at the time of referral must be one or older) -- but those concerns have been long gone as we've prepared for additional years of waiting for Noelle. Unfortunately, the cards haven't been in our favor for getting pregnant either. Not yet anyway. I don't mind being open about this. It's been difficult, and somehow every month we feel optimistic all over again! This struggle has certainly shown us how resilient we are, and I'm proud of us for that. But sometimes I wonder how long we'll continue to bounce back.
Lately, I've definitely been feeling a little less able to be excited for other people who are expecting, and I hate that. I've always been so happy for other people, but one can't help feeling a bit envious of those for whom pregnancy seems to come so easily. The funny thing is I always figured I'd be one of those people, and when I got pregnant the first time that seemed to be true. I was young, active, healthy - still am. You never think you're going to be the one who has trouble.
I've also realized that in the grand scheme there really aren't that many people who are going through what I am. I have one close friend who had fertility challenges a few years ago and now has the most beautiful baby boy. I have another friend who is a China waiting mom that I met after we started our adoption. In my close circle of friends and family, that's it - those two people are the only ones who have any inkling what I'm going through, and even they can't understand everything. Our journeys are so individual. It can be lonely.
And it can be frustrating when people who have NO IDEA say things like, "Oh, just keep trying" or "My friend who had x number of miscarriages is pregnant" or "Just relax and let go"....I know they all mean well, but frankly at this point it's not helpful!! I find it especially irritating when people close to me seem to have forgotten that I've been pregnant twice, so I think I know how it's done. What they don't understand is that behind their well-meaning advice, there's a hint of "It must be your fault - you must not be doing something right" whether they're aware of it or not.
Sorry for the rant. I think that's part of how I maintain my sanity. I can't be gracious and compassionate all the time. I do my best most of the time. What I'm experiencing isn't normal.
There are no significant China updates. Referrals (less and less of them) are still coming out monthly, but the wait just keeps getting longer. Noelle may still not even be conceived. In some ways I hope she isn't. I don't want her to have to wait too long for us.
For most people it takes no more than a year to have a child -- a year to learn about becoming a parent, a year to create the nursery and stock up on baby gear, a year to save up and buy the video camera, a year to do all the "last before kids" things, a year to savor the moments of one-on-one time with your spouse, a year to dream about everything that's to come in so little time....But not for us.
Sometimes I'm OK with this. I imagine there's a bigger plan that perhaps I can't comprehend, but that I can trust. And then sometimes I feel like I'm losing faith that the thing I want most of all will ever happen.
I've tried to focus my attention on other things - working, yoga teaching, just having fun with Chris, visiting with friends and family, taking care of my dogs, planning trips, enjoying my home. But inevitably my mind always wanders back to Noelle and the other children we dream of having, whether through foster care and adoption or through birth. How can I not think about this (the most important thing in the world to us!) all the time when we've been actively pursuing parenthood for three long years?
I posted awhile back that Chris and I had been intentionally avoiding pregnancy because of adoption rules (the youngest child in the home at the time of referral must be one or older) -- but those concerns have been long gone as we've prepared for additional years of waiting for Noelle. Unfortunately, the cards haven't been in our favor for getting pregnant either. Not yet anyway. I don't mind being open about this. It's been difficult, and somehow every month we feel optimistic all over again! This struggle has certainly shown us how resilient we are, and I'm proud of us for that. But sometimes I wonder how long we'll continue to bounce back.
Lately, I've definitely been feeling a little less able to be excited for other people who are expecting, and I hate that. I've always been so happy for other people, but one can't help feeling a bit envious of those for whom pregnancy seems to come so easily. The funny thing is I always figured I'd be one of those people, and when I got pregnant the first time that seemed to be true. I was young, active, healthy - still am. You never think you're going to be the one who has trouble.
I've also realized that in the grand scheme there really aren't that many people who are going through what I am. I have one close friend who had fertility challenges a few years ago and now has the most beautiful baby boy. I have another friend who is a China waiting mom that I met after we started our adoption. In my close circle of friends and family, that's it - those two people are the only ones who have any inkling what I'm going through, and even they can't understand everything. Our journeys are so individual. It can be lonely.
And it can be frustrating when people who have NO IDEA say things like, "Oh, just keep trying" or "My friend who had x number of miscarriages is pregnant" or "Just relax and let go"....I know they all mean well, but frankly at this point it's not helpful!! I find it especially irritating when people close to me seem to have forgotten that I've been pregnant twice, so I think I know how it's done. What they don't understand is that behind their well-meaning advice, there's a hint of "It must be your fault - you must not be doing something right" whether they're aware of it or not.
Sorry for the rant. I think that's part of how I maintain my sanity. I can't be gracious and compassionate all the time. I do my best most of the time. What I'm experiencing isn't normal.
There are no significant China updates. Referrals (less and less of them) are still coming out monthly, but the wait just keeps getting longer. Noelle may still not even be conceived. In some ways I hope she isn't. I don't want her to have to wait too long for us.
Comments
I can so understand how you feel, but I also feel a little guilt. I've had 2 friends tell me in the last week they are PG and for about 10 minutes I hated them. I couldn't be near them. Then I realized I was an adult and had to be nice, so I tried to smile and be friendly and happy for them. I think eventually I did a passable job. But I was so pissed thinking how I've been at this process for going on three years (!!!) and how "easy" it has been/will be for them. I can SO relate with much of how you feel.
The only thing that keeps me sane is I know I really have one on the way. I know how hard the NOT KNOWING is on you, and how hard it can be on one's sanity. I just hope that it happens for you soon. what ever IT is, Hon!
I think of you often. Warm wishes.
~N.